Imagine this – It’s your first day back at work after your maternity leave and you’ve meticulously planned everything. The night before, you’ve ironed your power-outfit and laid it out. You toss and turn at night running the to-do list at work and anticipating the comments from colleagues. In the morning, as if your baby can smell your anxiety, he/she cries and screams. In that moment, you realize that getting back to work isn’t going to be easy.
Second guessing is second nature to new mothers…
Being a new mom is tough! We are always wondering “am I doing things right?” And when it is finally time to leave our baby and step out for work, we’re plagued with self-doubt and a sense of sadness. Most moms arranging care for their children know that their babies will be well fed and clothed. That’s not the problem. It’s the emotional questions clawing at your mind that make leaving the baby behind that much harder. Will my baby be loved and cared for just as much? Will she notice my absence? Will he act out because he misses me and doesn’t know how to express his emotions? Will he no longer need me?
Before my maternity leave was ending, one of my biggest struggle was deciding where to leave my baby. Should I leave her in a day care centre or get a helper? Will my baby be safer at my mom’s house? I remember mulling over this decision for days and even when I’d finally chosen to opt for grandma’s home, I was second-guessing if I’d made the right decision.
Leaving work = leaving a piece of my heart…
Resuming work after maternity leave is bittersweet. But accomplishing new milestones is going to be that much sweeter because you’re not just doing it for yourself anymore. You’re working on creating a life that your children will be proud of. You want them to see you as this kickass supermom who conquers both worlds – personal and professional.
Let’s face it, whether they are 6 months or 6 years old, leaving them behind will always feel like you’re leaving behind a piece of your heart. But I promise you that it will get easier. The first few days are the toughest. You constantly check-up on whether they’ve eaten or taken their nap. You are physically at work, but your mind is with your baby. I remember when my baby was running a temperature when she was 10 months old and I had an important presentation the next day. I was hoping she would feel better in the morning, but she wasn’t. I made the heart-wrenching decision of leave my crying, sick baby who wouldn’t let go off me just so I could present the presentation that I’d worked so hard to prepare. The guilt was unbearable and stayed with me for days even after my baby was happy and healthy again.
The struggle doesn’t end, it just evolves.
But it’s not just the sick days that make things tough. Even on regular days, when I come back home from work, I have a running to-do list in my head. But all my baby wants to do is spend some quality time with her mama. Once I enter the door, my baby demands my undivided attention after not seeing me for a whole day. And while I try to squeeze in some quality playtime with her before she has to go to bed, it fills me with guilt that that’s all I’m able to give her. I love that she needs me and wants me so much. It makes my world go around. But I also know that she is going to become independent faster than other kids because I’m not around as much. And while that is a great thing, I don’t know how I’ll be able to deal when she doesn’t need me as much. When I’ll walk out the door and she’ll simply wave goodbye and go back to doing her thing.
So, here’s what I do. I take one day at a time. Some days, my work life takes precedence, on some others my baby and my home come first. But what I definitely do is recognize my privilege, count my blessings, take the bad days into my stride, share the load with my partner and before I know it, my chubby, pink-faced baby will be 18 and moving out!
Munira Rangwala
Motherhood comes naturally to most. It didn’t come naturally to me. But that doesn’t mean I love my baby any less for it. Hi, I’m Munira and I’m from India. I love to travel, read, and dance and I can’t wait to explore the world with my world, my daughter.
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