Right, so should we be scheduling sex?! Learnings from Dr. Becky’s Good Inside Podcast featuring Esther Perel
If you are a parent to young children, you might have heard of Dr. Becky,…
If you are a parent to young children, you might have heard of Dr. Becky,…
If you are a parent to young children, you might have heard of Dr. Becky, clinical psychologist, 38-year-old mom of three, and “millennial parenting whisperer” dubbed by New York Times. Her podcast “Good Inside with Dr. Becky” recently featured Esther Perel, world’s leading expert on relationships and intimacy. Together, they discussed intimacy after kids, and the question “Should we be scheduling sex?”
Here are some of our key takeaways.
Perel explains that the main reason “scheduling” has a negative charge is because it often refers to a task that needs to be completed rather than something deep and meaningful. Esther suggests that we look at scheduled sex as a ritual rather that a routine, wherein she defines a ritual as “a routine infused with intentionality and creativity”. This also adds the elements of excitement and anticipation which may be lacking in other scenarios. Furthermore, knowing that you and your partner have a sacred ritual to prioritise intimacy gives a whole new positive undertone to the idea of scheduling sex.
Perel clarifies that a woman needs to be at mental ease to focus on herself to truly enjoy romance and lovemaking, which isn’t necessarily true for men. Hence, a couple must find ways to relieve the woman of her maternal responsibilities to transform her from a motherly being into a sexual being. The actual process of this transformation is highly subjective; it can be the act of simply taking off the apron, leaving the house or leaving the city – anything symbolic to feel distant from the locus of maternity or responsibility. As we see, some of these require more scheduling than others especially when you have kids, which further emphasizes that scheduling can actually be a good thing!
Guilt when you’re away from the kids is generational and systemic for a woman. But holding yourself back just for the kids can lead to build up resentment and emotional burdening.
To really experience a sense of vitality in your relationship it’s important to remain balanced in the triangle formed by yourself, your partner and your children. Perel explains that when you’re in this “positive loop triangle”, you take time away from the kids to give to yourself and your partner, allowing you to give even more to your kids in the end!
For women, Perel further elucidates that a sexual encounter can “start with willingness and turn to desire” – willingness is one way for the woman to shift her mentality from being a mother to a lover! Perel defines desire to be “to own the wanting” – only you can know what you desire. Scheduling can help slot the time to truly own your wants and intentionally shift your mentality to awaken the sexual being within you.
Using your imagination to elicit romance can help you find the freedom in confinement. Learn how to bring the playful, erotic, mischievous, curious energy wherever you are to help resurrect romance. It can feel awkward at first but the real magic happens when you both can openly acknowledge the awkwardness, laugh about it and move on!
Finding your “turn-ons” and “turn-offs” can be a great way to re-introduce and sustain romance. It can also help effectively use the time that you slotted for sex. For example your turn-ons can be music, nature, when you get dressed and go out with friends etc. These can be used to re-introduce intimacy back into your relationship. Acknowledge that marriage changes after kids; especially as a mother your body, sexuality and relationship with your partner are all bound to change. So knowing yourself is crucial to having the sexual experience you desire.
It is completely normal for the sexual dynamic between you and your partner to change after kids. But you can start with scheduling sex, making sex a ritual, and getting to know your partner as a romantic partner again instead co-parents to the kids.
If you wish to listen to the full episode, here are some links:
Spotify | Apple podcast | Youtube
Hello! I am Sanchal, a Hong Kong-Indian Medical graduate from HKU. My aim is to utilize my medical training and knowledge to produce bite-sized, well-researched articles to help parents make informed decisions. I am an avid reader, writer and traveller and hope to make a positive impact to thousands of lives in the decades to come!