Did you know? A new study from Pepperdine University published in the Biological Psychology journal found that the longer women spent perusing online mom groups and their heated comment threads, the higher their levels of the stress-inducing hormone cortisol.
What happens when you find yourself in a new role you know nothing about? You seek advice from anyone who is willing to help! Most women – from their pregnancy to the time their baby turns a year old – tend to join at least one WhatsApp or online mom’s group. I was no different. I too joined a mom’s group in the hope of getting helpful advice and reassurance. Instead, I found anxiety and shame.
Here’s why joining a mom’s group turned too toxic too soon.
A landmine of judgment
Just as there are many ways to make pasta, there are many ways to raise a baby. Simply because you chose to make your baby sleep in a crib in a different room, doesn’t make it alright for you to look down upon my choice to co-sleep with my baby. From introducing the bottle ‘too early’ to potty training ‘too late’, the mom’s group I was a part of made me feel like I was doing nothing right to raise my baby. It made me anxious about my baby’s milestones and I stopped enjoying the process.
‘Holier than thou’ attitude
Most mom’s groups live by ‘breast is best’. My daughter was formula-fed from the very beginning. The mothers in the group made me feel like I was committing a grave sin by not breastfeeding my baby. Any questions I had regarding formula were either ignored or replied to with disdain. Most innocent questions by other new moms were met with hateful and judgemental commentary.
Of no real use
I soon realised that I wasn’t getting answers to any questions I asked. Instead, the ‘experienced’ moms – who were self-declared custodians of the group – would talk about how they raised their babies without committing a single error. What was in fact funny, was that their babies were now in high school and these moms had no real idea of the new technologies in the market or how times had changed since their babies were in diapers.
Not all mom groups are bad. You might actually benefit if you know what you want out of it and don’t take every comment to heart. Here’s a thought – if you’re part of such a group, treat everyone with the kindness and understanding you’d want them to show to you.
Below are a few ways in which mom’s groups might come in handy.
Surprise advice
My baby once had a diaper rash. And instead of suggesting some store-bought ointment, I was given a homemade remedy that made the rash disappear in less than a day.
Made a friend
I was able to find that one mother whose thoughts aligned with mine and it turned out she lived just a few blocks from me. I surprisingly made a mom friend who was on the same journey as me and that was my happiest takeaway.
TMI
Sometimes, ‘too much information’ can be a good thing. From the best baby shampoo to baby travel hacks, mothers on these groups discuss EVERYTHING. You can consume and keep what you like and ignore what you don’t. Also, reading messages from 100 other mothers going through the exact same journey can give you a sense of belonging.
Joining a mom’s group can either work out well or be detrimental to a new mother’s mental health and well-being, especially when she is already struggling to adjust to her new normal. Choose a group wisely only after you’ve received solid references. And if you notice being in the group is taking a toll on your mental health, don’t be afraid to press the EXIT button!
Munira Rangwala
Motherhood comes naturally to most. It didn’t come naturally to me. But that doesn’t mean I love my baby any less for it. Hi, I’m Munira and I’m from India. I love to travel, read, and dance and I can’t wait to explore the world with my world, my daughter.
