Dear society, I challenge your praise of a “good dad”
On a sunny Sunday afternoon, my husband and I had taken our daughter to a…
On a sunny Sunday afternoon, my husband and I had taken our daughter to a…
On a sunny Sunday afternoon, my husband and I had taken our daughter to a nearby park. My husband was playing ball with her, taking her on the slides and having a good time. I, on the other hand, alternated between looking at them and scrolling through my phone. As this scene is playing out, I could almost feel the envious gaze of other moms looking at me like I’d won the lottery!
As new mothers, we’ve all been through a phase where we were unsure of what time of the day and what day of the month it was. What do you mean it’s 2 pm? I woke up, fed my baby, gave her a bath, played with her a little, fed her again, had a quick shower, finally grabbed something to eat, fed her some more, and finished cooking! Oh yes, 2pm sounds right. Once my baby was born, the first 2-3 weeks passed by in a haze. I didn’t know what I was doing or how I was getting by. Don’t get me wrong. I am fortunate to have a loving, supportive and hands-on husband. But while my world is turned upside down, everyone assured me this was the norm of new motherhood. Then, they turned around and praised my husband for being “such a good dad”.
There’s one instance I will never forget. It had just been a few hours since I’d given birth and it was night time. My baby, husband, and I were fast asleep in our hospital room when my baby started crying. The nurse rushed in to our room at the same time my husband picked up our baby. What she said next hit my jaw to the floor. These were her words – “You’re already a great father! Look at you sacrificing your sleep to take care of your baby!” Wait, what?! I just went through 13 hours of labour, not to mention the 9 months of carrying my baby in my tummy, and HE gets the ‘parent of the year’ award?
Here is another question – Is it just me or do most new mothers feel the need to leave detailed instructions if they are leaving the baby alone with their husband even for just a few hours? When I want to step out for lunch with my friends or need to run an important errand, I have to sit my husband down and explain to him where her diapers are kept, what to feed her and when, or how to keep her entertained and out of harm’s way. I shouldn’t have to leave him detailed instructions. He should just know, like I do. Here is another interesting phenomenon: whenever I’m out, I always get asked this innocent, well-intentioned question “who is taking care of the baby?” “Oh the dad is, what a good dad!” But guess how many times my husband has gotten this question? Zero.
In this age of gender equity, why does our society still praise fathers for doing the very things mothers do every day? I don’t think people are sexist, but I think the legacy of generations of different gender expectations runs deep. During our grandparents’ times, mothers were solely responsible for raising the kids and fathers were responsible for putting food on the table. Our parent’s generation saw mothers handling 85% of the child-rearing duties, while fathers ‘helped’ when they could. Today’s new mothers are shouldering about 70% of the workload related to raising a child, while fathers are doing more than they ever have to lessen the burden. But that’s just the problem, isn’t it? We are still unconsciously biased in expecting mothers to carry the load. So until the society’s expectations of both men and women in parenting are equal, new mothers will have to continue fighting the fight on their own.
Motherhood comes naturally to most. It didn’t come naturally to me. But that doesn’t mean I love my baby any less for it. Hi, I’m Munira and I’m from India. I love to travel, read, and dance and I can’t wait to explore the world with my world, my daughter.